Have you ever attempt to die?  I had.

It wasn't a great experience, especially when your mom would just assume that you probably had your heart broken, you probably deserved this but never did she ever realize that she is the cause behind all this.

I overdosed my night pills last night with an empty stomach, the feeling is pretty sucky because you weren't even feeling tired but your body is just strengthless and all you wanna do is fade off into your sleep. While I am in that daze mode, my mom came home... assuming that I cried she kept asking if I am okay. perhaps is because I am so used to her looking down on me, I don't even take that as a concern from her anymore. I just brush her off and head back to sleep.

Until this morning she didn't realize I wasn't up... I was in bed all the way till 10 am, being used to home alone... I picked myself up and headed to the bathroom despite feeling drowsy and nauseous, halfway through brushing my teeth I felt this terrible urge of vomiting and so I shifted myself to the toilet bowl but bam, I fainted on the floor. Approximately an hour later I guess, I woke up. Dragged myself to have a clean up, stuffed myself with bread... then back to bed.

It was a peaceful rest till she came home from work, ranting how tiring it is and starting to get annoyed that i am still in bed. Asking me questions like why am I home, why am I not working etc etc. Out of so many days for the past (I don't know) how many months or weeks i have been working my ass off and i can't even take one full day break?

What did i do to deserve all this. Yes i could've told her what happen when she wasn't home, but what good does it do... its not like she is going to instantly understand how is it like to be a victim of bi-polar 2. she has never really understood.

The last time i told her i am heading to my therapy, the only answer she could give best was "oh you still need to go ? i thought you were recovered." with a smirk.

Guess what....

Having a really emotional night.
I didn't want all this, I didnt chose to grow up through all this experience. There's so much flashbacks, I remember the times where you call me crazy, call me a freak when I had my depression breakdowns. I remember being pushed away by you because you feel that I'm too dramatic.. I remember feeling like the end of the world because I focus so much on you that I neglected my own life. Sometimes before I sleep, I'll say "oh god, please. I wanna be stronger when I wake up. I wanna be able to conquer all this fear. I want to move on. I want to laugh all day and night." People, especially you just don't understand that I don't chose to be depressed in the middle of the day. It's something out of my control, where it just a click of emotion change. It's something I can't explain with words.
But after all, I'm just a human being. After all, I'm just trying to keep myself going. Facing each day with courage, hope and faith.  I just hope that one day, I'll grow into the woman I dream become.
One day, I'll finally love myself and walk with confident.

You'll see, one day I'll be a different girl.

Hi readers,

I am currently brushing up my English as i know my blog is not perfectly well written.
So pardon me, if i make any (really bad) English mistakes.

First thing first,
This year, i will be doing hell lot of travelling. At least, as much as i can. I don't plan to save anymore, just pack and go as everything else just seem to meaningless.

Well, its been 5 months since i started my new job as a teacher. my kids love me and they have been a huge part of my life. A huge reason why i didn't commit suicide, although yes i understand how some people will feel that suicide is stupid and silly but i am sorry.. every individual is facing different difficulty. I have my ways of dealing with it but it never had been this difficult. That aside, i have to be thankful to have one soul mate that never leaves my side no matter how dark my world was. Now that i recall, everything seem so dramatic and extreme.. I swear i never want to experience that again.

Before i go any further about my life, i realize i have never really introduced myself.
I am just another ordinary girl you met on the streets, one that you won't expect to be dealing with depression. I've low self-esteem and needless to say, i am also have extremely low confident. Right now, i'm dealing hard with my emotions as i am extremely emotional person.. i am also trying very hard to build up my confident and learning how to love myself more. If most of you don't understand why i don't love myself, i am from a single mother background.. i have no siblings and i got raped when i was 13. Life couldn't get any worse, but i got cheated on countless of time and i've allowed myself to be taken advantage of years ago due to feeling worthless. recent years, i got together with my ex which i thought that i am finally able to settle down till i found out that he has been cheating on me. i have never ever devote myself in someone so much that i agreed when he asked me to be his sex slave instead of having a commitment as he couldn't handle my emotional break downs. There goes my dignity. We broke up last year and his childhood friend stayed and tried his best to be there for me whenever i break down and whenever i feel like ending my life. Eventually, feelings develops. There comes a point where i wanted to sign up to be an escort, reason being taken advantages from all this guys for free and feeling that my body is worthless.. might as well do it for the money and with that money, i can further my studies and clear my mother's housing debt but of cos, i didn't went for it as i realize in order to make my life better.. i have to start loving myself.

Sometimes i wonder if this is the kind of life one will go through if their family is broken. Oh well, everyone have a story to say ya?

That's about it i guess.., another thing i would want to talk about is that i am wondering if i should start a vlog? although my life is really boring except for the times when im with my kids in the centre, they are bundle of joy in my life. It just seem like, i am doing all things that an introvert wont do.. i am trying to get myself out of comfort zone and from there i learn and shape myself into a strong and capable person but i know its not easy to just start a vlog, not easy to just start something.

But; you will never know what the outcome would be if you never give it a try.

That's all for today folks, thanks for taking your time to read my blog.
I sincerely appreciate it.

xoxo
J

Time to set free...

I am ready to set off for my solo trips,
first stop will be Melbourne ( 30 April 2016 - 8 May 2016 )

My aim is to be a traveller, i hope i get to grow and learn about another culture another city.
exposing myself to the world, new environment.. even if its just a period of time.

Half the time of my life, im an introvert... time to change that.. time to get out of my comfort zone.


Trying so so hard to stay positive,
i can and i will make it.

Life just doesn't get any easier, its been forever since im in this depression stage.

I always ask myself , " when will it ever end "... its been 21 years.... its really time to grow up and move on. never had i imagined that i will be strike down by a jerk.

Why am i that dumb to even want to forgive him and let him hurt me all over again ?
what was i thinking.

He treats me like a puppet, all he want is my body. All he ever ask for is me to be naughty to him... to be his sex slave... is love that blind to make me say im okay with it as long as i have him ?
how stupid can i get

who knows i will ever be this in love?

how... silly.

I believe its normal and its okay to feel lost....

but what i am going through again, is a torture, i wish i really wish i can get out of all this.

Just yesterday, a hit on reality .. i never felt so useless and so horrible  before.

There is so much going on in my mind, to the point where i don't even know how to open up...

Last night was, well, bumpy and what make it worse is that i made a mistake opening up to the one and very one guy i trust with my feelings and everything cause that person is a full on IQ and rational person, he don't take emotions as reason.. he take them as excuses and he will never understand how i, how someone like me.. do things with no reason and by emotions. He don't understand things that doesn't click and make no sense.

this is why, we are incompatible and yet trying so hard to be a couple.

whenever i am feeling overwhelmed by my own emotions,
I start to wonder if my life is worthy, if i am living it or wasting it.

Let's say one have the ability to donate their time (not by helping others, more like giving another extra time besides their 24 hour a day to maybe spend with their love ones, save another life etc)
Or by donating life, can you imagine??

Here i am, having suicidal thoughts every now and then but there is another group of people, lets say they have final stages of cancer, they are praying hard to live another life.
and here,
here i am, blessed with a healthy body, yet i don't seem to be appreciating it enough.

Every single time i wanna just, die, i think about people that would be involved, strangers whom i have not met, passerby just happen to be there when i jump down the building. How scarred they will get for the rest of their life.
No i wouldn't want my own decision to affect another, probably the reason why i am still alive.

Recently, i started indulging happiness, positives mindset and thinking into my life, reminding myself again and again.. someone out there is fighting to live another day.

Make it count, someone out there, wish they have a body of yours. someone out there wish they know they still can live like 10 years down the road.

someone out there, is yearning to appreciate what you have.