Have you ever wonder how is t like to be a somebody to the public, or to be just an importnt being to another.
Often the person that meant the whole world to you and you meant the whole world to another will not be the same person. each of us, mutual feelings or not ; we are all different in the slightest way.
i just can't believe, you can take merely 2 months to get over something you beg and would die for. really? 2 moonthss? that's how much it was worth ? ... unblievable.
Have you ever have this struggling feeling? Where you want something you shouldn't be having. You know it's not right, but you can't help it. It's like a war between two, it's not my choice to make but yet my brain is fighting hard against it.
All the possibilities, all the imcompatibility.
Is that how you see me? Small and tiny, a childlike adult.
Damn I don't even know how am I suppose to put all this thoughts and feelings into this blog, as much as I want to...
Why does it seem so hard.
Why must human emotions makes the days dinghy so complicated.
Only child, people brag about how good it is.. People envy how others is an only child. Stereotypes, it's not as great as you think. My mum is a single parent, I guess that's what made it more difficult. I seas brought up by my godma till I'm 13, moved back home and realize how my mum don't know how to be a mum. I was a real rebellious kid back then, drives her insanely mad.. When I was 15, I finally realize how important studies is. I started studying hard and end up getting real shocking and good result for n level. Enrolled to ite at the age of 17, manage to strive till higher nitec but not poly. Got myself a full time job, lucky enough.. My first full time job is my wonderful dream job. While working, I study to get higher certificate.. Well what to do.. You can't go anywhere in Singapore without a good qualification. But, just when I take my step up in life. I lost it, I lost my partner which I plan to have a future with... And I guess I lost that faith from my very own mother. She became very negative to the things I do, no matter what it is. One day I was sick and called off from work, she just assumed that I quit. Full of doubt, when I had really bad intenstine infection and was rushing to the hospital, she asked "are you sure you're not exaggerating." I don't even have the strength to answer her. That's not just it, I've to go on for days if I were to list every single incident.
How can someone be so irresponsibleat such age, and when she is already a mother to begin with
Yes she is caring and loving back then, is this karma?
But they say "there's nothing better than a mother under the sky" I beg to differ because, I don't see it from young.
I envy those strong woman, and I strive to be one
but I know I won't be able to succeed alone.
Have you ever lost somebody who is dear to you?
I have,in fact a number of times.. I'm scared, scared I become a cold hearted person.
I don't understand why, mum have to keep recalling again and again about what happened, keep asking me what and how and when. Why do you want to keep bringing it up, again and again and make yourself, your life so miserable... Doing so won't bring her back anymore, doing so... Won't revive her. So why, what's the point. Am I being emotionless or am I just facing reality...? That's when I realize, I learned this from d.. Now I wonder if it's a good thing, I seem to have shutted the world out.
I had two dream last night, happy and sad.
I wish I can shut this feelings off, I wish I don't have to be the strong one.
Yesterday she can just be like "you make the decision" , do I have to make every decision in this household? Can't you for once, act like a mum with responsibility...? It makes me so exhausted, because it's been like that, ever since the day I come back home.
"Never trust the same person twice"
How fragile one life is, how one living thing can be perfectly fine in the day and gone just like that at night. Tragic accident, "I don't know how to comfort you" is that all you could say?
When you needed me, I didn't know how to be there for you either... But I tried, keyword here "tried". You asked me in the past, "have I ever lost something that meant the world to me?" The answer is yes if not I wouldn't be so afraid of losing you. Guess I'm just a fool, to believe that you are actually different.
Apparently, I am speechless. But the truth is, when you are at your worse, you see more clearly.. And you can tell, who is actually always there for you.
My tips girls, "love the man that would do anything for you, not the man who simply just want you"
Its funny how something so shattered can be broken again and again.
Have you ever wonder why, why is it that at times your heart just aches.. Why do we even have that kind of feeling and tears just falls whether you want it or not, be it you love it or not. Sometimes it gets so uncontrolable.
Being sad and down, the day still passes.
Being happy and up, the same amount of time passes.
Why make yourself so miserable then.
Who doesn't want to lead the simpliest life. Finding the easy way out whenever we are in tough situation but how is that indifferent to running away from the problem occurred.
What matters most is to sort things out and solve that very one problem so that nothing will builds up into a huge mess.
Suicidal thoughts are not easy to fight off but I believe I'm stronger that this.
Car Accident
To dream of a car accident symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? Perhaps you need to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path. Dreaming that someone is injured in a car accident means that you cannot control the action of others. They have to live with the consequences of their own decisions.
If you dream that you die from a car accident and actually see the reactions of your loved ones, then it suggests that your reckless activity is affecting those around you. This dream is a wake-up call.
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Not the first time I dream of being in an accident, as well as death. Number of times I asked myself did I cheated death, it's hard to tell because it seems so real so painful.
I believe in dream being a forecast thing, as there are many times what I dreamed of actually happened to me.
Except all these death and It keeps me wondering why.
Often people spend their life looking at other people wondering why and how their life is so great and all but what they fail to see is how wonderful their own life is as well.
It's not very difficult to be contented with what you have got, be appreciative of the things you have now. Cherish it before it slip away, don't ever miss that chance.
If things are meant to be yours, it will be. So don't go forcing it because what's forced will never have a happy ending.
Life as it is.
I realize small little things we do, the choices we made affects our life in small little ways. Sometimes it may seem unnoticed but damage or improvement has been made.
Sacrifices can be things like not doing what I love to do what you love. So many times I failed to notice the sacrifices others made for me and too focus on what I sacrificed for others instead.
What others had done for me it's hard to notice and realize but when I really think about it and really know them well, I actually start to sees it.
Little efforts, being put in bits by bits.
"When is the last time, you do something for the first time?"
D taught me alot, be it through harsh or gentle actions or words. I never knew i can do so much for somebody, shows how scary love can get when it gets too deep. haha. I will never learn how to bake, never learn how to be a romantic and how to be a sweet little girl. There's so much more to list, but it'a alright. I'm glad i learned so much within this two years, learn to be a better woman.
Funny thing is, sometimes things can't be taught without experiencing it. So don't go whining when things went wrong, face it and if it's worth the fight then fight for it because
if there is a will, there is a way; Saying it's impossible and its too late is just excuses. It really depends on how much that one thing means to you, from a level of you can forget about it in a day or so to a level of you being able to die for it. Some fights are worthy while some fights are not.
It gets difficult when it involves two human beings, well, simply because human beings have
Emotions. One thing i learned from my lecturer; its a funny legit story she shared while teaching us management. Here goes:
It's a beautiful morning today, you woke up feeling really great and happy. You realize you are in need of cash, you went to the ATM machine and tapped the atm's options gently for the amount of money you need, for example, $50 and the atm will slot out the money for you.
And
You had a really bad start of the day and realized your wallet gone empty, you stomped to the atm machine and slammed it while trying to withdraw money. Still, the atm will slot out the money for you.
Now, Do this on a human beings, your friends or close friends whoever it is.
You ask them gently " hey can i borrow $50 from you?" they would consider and lend it to you.
BUT, if you ask them in a rude manner " oi give me $50, will return to you tomorrow", it's pretty obvious, him or her won't lent it to you.
So why? The only differences here is that ATM is a machine and machine have no feelings no emotions while human beings, they have
emotions and
feelings.
This is why, human beings are the most tedious being on earth. It's never possible to please someone unless you surrender yourself to that particular person which i doubt will make anyone happy, especially you yourself.
Tonight I realize how I kept myself busy, so that I can be away from my devices. I realize how attached I am to my devices because it connects me to you.
Although I have 5 medical leaves from work ahead, there are just so much to do. School, driving, school, chores and more chores. It's like a never ending nightmare.
I tried so hard mum, tried so hard to make you understand but you always give me the "Y'know I don't really give a shit" when you say you do. You never fails to make me believe in you and disappoint me all over again. I've enough of that. People always say "there is nothing under the sky that's better than mothers". Sad to say I strongly disagree with that. I tried so hard to keep that faith in you, people around me.
I'll rely on nobody but me myself, I'll trust nobody but me myself.
There is a man i love and a man i used to love.
I never wanted to hurt anyone of them, never wanted anyone of them to leave but that very one choice i made, changed all our life almost in 360 degree.
Both i would like to thank, as well as apologize. If without what d had done, without going through this 1 year 11 months, i wouldn't knew how much one would mean to me. If without what n had done, I wouldn't know how much more i deserved to be love. No matter how down i feel, how i degrade myself.. at the end of the day i have to get back stronger for me myself.
It's funny how fate works, i broke two brothers apart, not something to be proud of but that, that very moment i broke myself too. That very moment i lost who i was, that very moment my life turned. I wouldn't say i have no regrets because there are tons, but time.... time continue to ticks even if you cry all day, time won't stop to wait for you to stand up, time is a bitch, oh well life is a bitch.
I may be spouting nonsense here, i may be making sense here. Whoever reads it, it's your freedom to judge, because it doesn't matter as in afew hours, i probably forget what i typed.
I can't love both at once, but i always believed "if i am able to fall in love with another guy, i'm done with the first." So nowadays i ask myself " What happened J ? What happened to that belief of yours" and what happened to the "once i leave i will never go back?" Is d worth for you to put down that ego? after all of what he have done? Are all this worth it? Being stuck back in time when the time continue to tick.
It's time to get back in life, learn to walk this life of yours alone, learn to love yourself before you can share any of your journey with another, before you can love another.
Before i can be another's wife.
I am not ready at all, but one day i will be.
I never fell so deeply in love till the point where i forgot how capable i am, and how i always strives to live without a man.
At times i ask myself, why? what is it about you that make me so madly in love, so in love that i could just overlook all your little flaws, those really really ugly flaws.
But it doesn't matter anymore, it's time for me to move on since its for the best. Perhaps, i aren't the right girl for you either, most of the time i aren't the right girl for anyone. Doesn't matter, i have to start going back on track focusing on my own stuff. and for the first time of my life, after dozen years of being attached again and again. It's time for me to step up and control my own life.
I learned that, things will never have happiness if its forced. Just like how you hug a dog that doesnt want to be near you tightly, one day it will just suffocate and turn around to bite you. At the end of the day, you only end up hurting yourself. It's just a matter of time till everything is numbed and over. Be it he still loves you or not, it doesn't really matter anymore.
Live the life you love, and you will love the life you live.
Nothing is ever too late to be fix, it just a matter of you want to or not.
Never would I imagined that i would love this deep, especially towards you. I forgive you in every hurt and pain you put me through, but i guess i took a little too long and hurt you too much for us to be back like before. I realize, i have lost you while i am trying to find myself back.
I have no one to blame other than my own stubbornness and beliefs, for the first time in my life i chose friendship over my relationship and for the last time i lost my very first true love. They say that true love don't just go away but wait who am i to judge...
No matter what i do, have impact or not; i wish i can get you back someday somehow.
I believe no matter how incompatible we both are, as long as there is love, love can conquer everything,
I used to say how foolish human beings are to be so in love, to die of heartbreaks to die for love, never thought i'd experience this myself and i am sorry to all the human beings that i said "what's so difficult in moving on". I apologize for my insensitivity at that point of time, i didn't understand what love is.
Few days, few weeks ago, my doctor diagnosed me with depression. I got to agree, everyone has their own depression deep in them, its just a matter of how they handle it, how they conquer that negativity. I wasn't strong enough, i didn't get it over fast enough and now i lost you when i just stood up. Who am i to blame that you walked away ? I never failed to push you away, never failed to just whine and hate you when you try to guide me back up in your own little ways. Words can't describe how much i missed you, realizing how much i needed you all along and it's just me being in denial.
Although you are different, there's alot of things i couldn't accept in you doing it but i learned that compromises is need no matter how much how unbalance it is.
At the end of the day, i just realize how much i have lost, how much i need you..
How much i really love you... but yet afraid to face it.
Being yours for the whole 1 year and 11 Months is the best time of my life, i will never deny that because i waited for you for 3 years before that.
Thank you for all your love and care i failed to notice, for all i know, you love me.
Today marks the day i step into the twenties
It's nothing special, simple dinner and walk at night safari with that someone special, someone true to me. My words and topic have been going roundabouts, makes him frustrated at times, can't blame him, i am too.. persistent. Anyway, that apart it has really been awhile since i spend time like that with him, as his girl or not, i enjoy having his company. Last year this time, when my birthday is ending, he surprised me with a cake, it was the best day of my life. Knowing how much i mean to him, how much he want to spend my special day with me, makes me smile.Those memories keep my heart warm, keeps me warm. I hope he feels the same way, hope he enjoyed himself too.
Now i am trying to complete that little house he gave, reminds me of one of my strong beliefs
"it's like building trust, it takes up a lot of time and patience. but when one fail you don't just give up, you disassemble and you fix it back again the other way; and if its still doesn't seem to work, try and try again. Saying it's impossible is just excuses, when there is a will , there is a way." therefore, i am not giving up.
That's when i would wish " wish that time can pause down there ".
Friends couldn't celebrate my birthday as they're all busying with their own life but that one video says it all. It doesn't really matter how far away they are, "its the thoughts that counts"
