Whenever i realize i am turning 21 this very year, i feel anxious about my life. 

Am i making the right choice?

Is this what i want... 

Am i happy.. 

Especially when d just tell me straight in my face that " i don't wanna try making this work out anymore because, i don't love you anymore" 

that sharp pain my heart feels. 

The anxiety and depression i have to go through repeatedly, killed me. 

I tried ways to die, not that i hadn't but i realize deep down, deep down i still care.

I would think of how i can't donate my organs if i jump down a building or overdose pills because i would destroy my body. 

Nobody really understand when i say "I feel like dying", d even said this "you're weird, its freaky." whatever negative and mean comment you can think of, he said it. 

I hit my head so hard on the wall, i blacked out and rolled down the stairs, unsure how long i was lying there flat but waking up from that make me realize that i have to appreciate my life a little more. I am not a very religious person because i believe that every individual souls have their own beliefs and there is god in every religions as long as you believe in them. 

Every single time i attempted suicide, and failed of cos, if not i wouldn't have the ability to write this post. I get up a little stronger and try to live a little better. 

I start by eating salad, i wasn't a vegetable person.. hated it but now, i love eating salads. 

Weird as it seem, but every time i survived a  suicide .... i felt as if i was "reborn".

Scary, but that's how i really feel. I will start doing this i dont usually do, eating food i swear i wouldn't eat. 

and i live my life as "yolo, you only live once".

This time round, i start taking taking risk.

The first thing i did was to book a trip, suppose to be alone but i bringing my little close cousin of mine along as she needed it as well. She take life so hard, so so seriously that its driving her insane and she has always make me feel like "i am not going through this alone" although she almost slap the shit out of me when she found out that i broke down, begged d to come back to me and even attempted suicide. 

back to the main point, 

being 21 this year makes me feel that i have to start stepping up and take charge of my life. 

Unlike most of you, i didn't come from a very supportive family.. So most of the things i do, i basically do it my way without seeking much advise because all i will get is negative comments and being splash by cold water from her and she expect me to respect her when she doesn't respect me. 

what i been through really makes me learn a lot, learn to be strong and interdependent and other than those, is learn to be a better mother to my child in future. 

In life, there will and there must be disappointments, you can have plans on your college your career but always keep this in mind "there will always be a chance that the plan may fail or will not go the way you want to." , relax and don't take things too hard, be flexible with yourself a little. Its okay to be not okay at times, its ok to not want to do anything. Take a break, breathe and you will be okay. 

Time doesn't wait, not for you not for anybody.. but dont let that scares you because, if you take a break, just make sure that you come back up stronger and do yourself a favor, bring yourself to somewhere that makes you feel at home. well for me my house is never the place. 

You're a beautiful girl, you are capable on  your own.. its ok to step out of your comfort zone once in awhile. You will settle in and feel okay after a few tries of new stuff. 

Just done ever give up, anyone can, and will and have the rights to give up on you but not yourself. 

If you feel lost, take a break..

Find yourself, the world have so much more to offer. 

When you find yourself, you will love yourself a little more as days goes by.