I believe its normal and its okay to feel lost....

but what i am going through again, is a torture, i wish i really wish i can get out of all this.

Just yesterday, a hit on reality .. i never felt so useless and so horrible  before.

There is so much going on in my mind, to the point where i don't even know how to open up...

Last night was, well, bumpy and what make it worse is that i made a mistake opening up to the one and very one guy i trust with my feelings and everything cause that person is a full on IQ and rational person, he don't take emotions as reason.. he take them as excuses and he will never understand how i, how someone like me.. do things with no reason and by emotions. He don't understand things that doesn't click and make no sense.

this is why, we are incompatible and yet trying so hard to be a couple.

whenever i am feeling overwhelmed by my own emotions,
I start to wonder if my life is worthy, if i am living it or wasting it.

Let's say one have the ability to donate their time (not by helping others, more like giving another extra time besides their 24 hour a day to maybe spend with their love ones, save another life etc)
Or by donating life, can you imagine??

Here i am, having suicidal thoughts every now and then but there is another group of people, lets say they have final stages of cancer, they are praying hard to live another life.
and here,
here i am, blessed with a healthy body, yet i don't seem to be appreciating it enough.

Every single time i wanna just, die, i think about people that would be involved, strangers whom i have not met, passerby just happen to be there when i jump down the building. How scarred they will get for the rest of their life.
No i wouldn't want my own decision to affect another, probably the reason why i am still alive.

Recently, i started indulging happiness, positives mindset and thinking into my life, reminding myself again and again.. someone out there is fighting to live another day.

Make it count, someone out there, wish they have a body of yours. someone out there wish they know they still can live like 10 years down the road.

someone out there, is yearning to appreciate what you have.

Ever felt like you are not trying hard enough? like love is not enough?

Ever felt like you opened up to somebody and get shot down ?

Ever feel full of emotions but your partner is full of logic ?

What happen when you are high in EQ and your partner is high in IQ?
You just, dont click.
because whenever you try to express yourself in emotions, your partner don't get it and couldn't understand why you think the way you do.

I don't even know if this post even make any sense, i feel so tired.

Ever been with somebody that couldn't love you for who you are?

I have.

Should i let go? Yes, am i letting go? No.
Why? Because i feel like i haven tried hard enough.
Why? because i feel that i don't deserve anything positive and good.
Why? because my family show me that i dont deserve to be happy?
Why? because mum is afraid will be a spoilt princess.
Why? Because she is my mum and is suppose to be "good for me"